High Court: Allah issue to be decided in a No Disqualification, Pay-Per-View Hardcore Match on Monday night RAW

KUALA LUMPUR--The High Court declared today that the dispute over the word Allah between the Muslims and Christians will be decided in a No Disqualification, Pay-Per-View Hardcore Match on Monday night RAW.

The word "Allah" has been used by the Malay speaking Christian community in Sabah for more than a century, but a recent dispute over its usage by Malay Muslims in Peninsular Malaysia who claim that the word is exclusive to Muslims, has resulted in the case being brought to court. According to the High Court Judge, this decision was made as it is "the most awesome way to decide a religious dispute".

Certain sections of the Muslim community have been angered at this decision, as a hardcore match would give the advantage to the Christians. It is believed that the recent arson attacks on a few churches in Malaysia were committed by a small group of Muslims to protest the ruling. A spokesperson from the Home Ministry, Zaki Yusof, spoke strongly against the match, dubbed as "The Final Judgement," as it could undermine national security.

"I know that the court has judged in favour of a hardcore match, but the Muslims are angry over this. They would much prefer a regular match, where putting your opponent on the announcer's table, and then jumping on him from the top of a ladder can be a cause for disqualification," said Zaki.

"I believe we were right when we petitioned for a regular match, as it would have been better for harmony and national security. Everybody knows the Malay Muslims in Malaysia are sensitive over the issue of hardcore matches. The Muslim community's wrestling representative, Hamid "The Punisher" Dahlan, has lost his past 4 hardcore matches, so deciding the "Allah" issue in a hardcore match is certainly being insensitive to his weakness.

"I believe the Christians should compromise, and allow a regular match to be held," he added. "We do not want to flame the anger of the Malays. For the sake of national security, they should relent on this."

A spokesperson from IKIM, Muhammad Taib, echoes the sentiment, believing that the Punisher will be in distinct advantage due to his fighting style.

"It's unfair for there to be a hardcore match. Everyone knows that Hamid "The Punisher" Dahlan is a more technical fighter, and prefers to subdue his opponents using grapples and locks instead of beating his opponent with a trash can. Fighting dirty is certainly more in the Christians camp. I remember during The Punisher's previous match, Son of Sam from the Christian camp intervened in his match, using a steel chair to hit him right in the head from behind."

Father Santos De Souza, the head priest of the Petaling Jaya Church of Good Evening and also the wrestling representative of the Christians, held a press conference to a packed crowd in a wrestling ring set up outside his church, to clear out the church's position regarding the new ruling, and to counter the Muslim community's accusation that only the Christians have played dirty.

"Did The Punisher not remember our match before, when he distracted the referee, sneaked his championship belt onto the stage and smashed me from behind with it? Clearly, he forgets easily. But this Monday night, I'll give him something he won't forget," said Father De Souza, tearing off his suit to reveal a finely sculpted body, with rippling pectorals and abdominals. It brought a strong response from the crowd, who cheered loudly.

Father De Souza's press conference was interrupted, however, as The Punisher's theme song started playing, before the man himself appeared. He then went onto the ring, took the microphone from Father De Souza and started to speak.

"De Souza," said the Punisher, "I don't care if the Christians in Sabah and Sarawak have been using the word Allah since at least 1818, because next monday, on RAW, when I send you to hell, you can ask god himself what's the appropriate word to call him for a Christian."

The Punisher then threw the microphone away and started punching Father De Souza, who was caught by surprise and was unable to fight back. De Souza was saved, however, as 2 wrestlers who pretended to be Utusan journalists jumped The Punisher from behind, and pummeled him unconscious with a folded up steel chair.

Father De Souza then walked away, fists raised in the air as his theme song, "The Final Judgement" is played.

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